Sugar Booger is Just the Best Term of Endearment Ever.

I occasionally get these ideas that will revolutionize this blog, that inevitably turn out to be horrible. The most recent one was to turn it into a kind of advice column that gives bad advice. My first article would have been about dealing with patronizing hygienists. You know, the ones that still call you ‘honey’ and ‘sweetheart’ even though they realize you are in college. It would be something like this:

When you go to the dentist, you expect him to mispronounce your name and spread your spit all over your face and probably get it on your new shirt to boot. But these visits, especially when you’re under twenty, come with a bonus; patronizing hygienists. They can’t remember your name either (probably because you should come more often. Also floss) so they interject ‘honey’, ‘sweetie’, and the like as fillers, especially if you’ve been going there since you were young. There are much better ways not to say someones name. Instead once they put their hands in your mouth, and proceed asking you questions, it begins. “Hey honey, it’s good to see you again. You don’t come nearly enough. Have you been flossing sweetheart? You know sweetie, you look like you’re my neighbor’s daughters age, she doesn’t floss either, do you know her? You have the cutest shoes honey, you always look adorable. You’re thirteen right? Eighth grade?” “*Strangled noises*””What! You’re in college! Baby, I thought you were thirteen. (Takes hand out of your mouth.) Now, at this point, you could either say what I generally do, “No, I’m in college” and leave it at that or you could begin the process of shutting them up. I don’t like to do this, but if you only see them twice a year, reply “no sugar booger, I’m in college.”This will either miraculously make them realize they are patronizing and they will stop, or they will think you are very odd. It’s all in the inflection.

And now you know why I only post as often as I do. 

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