Why Am I So Screwed Up?

So recently, four weeks ago, I started taking piano lessons. And I learned something about myself. Not that I have a spectacular and until now, untapped musical talent like I hoped, but a strangely developed stage fright. Minus the stage part. I can play fine, unless someone else is nearby.

Usually my teacher is very quiet, so as long as I keep her out of my field of vision as I’m playing and really concentrate, I can ignore her fairly well, but I’m still overly conscious of what my fingers are doing. So much so, that I make a frighting number of mistakes.

I was just downstairs practicing on our piano. (Which is harder than it sounds. I have long legs, and our piano, aside from being green, was tailor made for my great-great aunt who was TINY). The ‘rents’ were out grocery shopping, or something, and Vee was upstairs doing something with three closed doors between us. In other words, perfect practicing conditions.

I played for about ten minutes until, the garage door went up. After hitting several sour notes, I gave up for the time being and just sat on the bench to wait for my parents to go away. The garage door closed and the door nest to me opened, making it’s usual horrible, squelching sound, and they came in, rustling their grocery bags.

Once they were gone, I began again. But it was so use. First came Mom, “Honey want me to close the door? You’re playing very quietly!” Oh no. She could hear me. The door’s been open that whole time? What does she mean I’m playing very quietly. The piece is in piano. Does it sound wrong played softly? Those were all thoughts going through my paranoid mind. Once I heard the door click and could no longer hear her footsteps, I began again. But it wasn’t meant to be, because in came Dad. He just walked through the basement and it was just enough to mess me up again.

The most disconcerting of all happened, shortly after Dad left, I heard a conversation coming the kitchen floorboards (Or a patch of ceiling to my left). I couldn’t make out the words, but it was unmistakably my Mom and sister. It’s official. They could hear me. I left. What’s wrong with me? I never get enough practice, because I just can’t make myself stay down there and play for more than two minutes with my family around. My teacher is starting to get annoyed with my lack of practice. I am NEVER this self conscious! I’m being totally stupid. I enjoy piano, sure I’m terrible but I have got to get a grip. This has been the random writings of Leila. Thanks for tuning in!


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